Young Kids and Back to School Anxiety: How to Shrink it Down to Size
As the start of the school year
approaches, have you seen your first grader go into meltdown mode at the
mention of school, or watched your soon-to-be kindergartner regress back to
baby talking and thumb sucking? Rest assured that you’re not alone. Each fall,
millions of parents deal with their children’s beginning-of-the-year anxiety.
For younger children starting school—whether it’s pre-school, kindergarten, or
a transition into the first or second grade—having a grown-up lean down and
say, “How exciting, you’re starting school soon,” can be similar to telling an
adult they’re going to be scaling Mt. Everest next week! And the fears
children have about school can be very real: they may be apprehensive about
separating from their parents, riding the school bus, or meeting a new
teacher. The emotions your child experiences before the start of school
can also lead to a general sense of anxiety—a feeling most children won’t be
able to articulate.
"Keep in mind that the age of your child offers no reassurance that they will experience less anxiety."
It’s important to remember that when placed in any new situation, all children
(and parents, too) are going to need to take time to adjust. Realize that your child will require a period of time to figure out their comfort zone and what’s required for them to fit in to their new environment. Fortunately, there are steps you can take as a parent to make the prospect less daunting–the key is to prepare your child both emotionally and physically so that they can have the best start possible this school year.Back to School Anxiety/ Take away as Many “Unknowns” as Possible
One way you can help ease your child’s anxiety is to show them what their school year will look like. Anxiety often feeds on fear of the unknown, so try a common sense approach to take away as many of these from the equation as possible. A few weeks before school starts, consider doing the following:- Talk to your child about what they’re going to be doing in the
upcoming school year. If your child is starting school for the first time,
see if there’s a kindergarten orientation or a way to meet their teacher
before school begins. Whether they’re starting a new elementary school or
going back to the same one, go explore it with your child. Review where
their class will be, visit the cafeteria, the library or the art room.
Take them to the playground (with a friend who’ll be going to their
school, if possible) to help them get adjusted and feel comfortable at the
school. Give your child a “preview” of the new faces and places they’ll be
seeing. This can help to “right size” the school in your child’s mind and
take the fear and mystery out of it.
- Many schools post their school itineraries online so parents can
review what their children will be learning, what activities they’ll
engage in, and what fun things they may do during the year. Use this
information to get your child excited about school.
- Talk about your own school days, the fun activities you loved, and
what made your school experience special. Kids love to hear stories from
their parents’ childhood because it helps normalize any difficult feelings
they are experiencing. (As an added benefit, I’ve found that these talks
with my own children have become a springboard for them to ask questions
about their own hopes and fears concerning school.)
Back to School Anxiety/ “But Who Will I Play with at Recess?”
Many kids, even those aged 7 and younger,
initially experience anxiety over how they will handle social situations in the
new school year. They may worry that they won’t have anyone to eat lunch
with or play with at recess, or they might be afraid—and rightfully so—of last
year’s class bully. Try the following tips to help your child feel
comfortable in social settings at school:
- If your child hasn’t seen school friends over the summer, it isn’t
too late to invite them over to help your child get re-acquainted with
them and excited for school. Visits to the park, pool, or movies with old
friends—and new ones, too—can make your child feel more comfortable when
they encounter their peers at school.
- Try doing some role plays with your child to help ease their fears.
For example, if you discover that your child is afraid of riding the
school bus, set up an area in the house and do a “pretend” ride to school.
Take turns being the bus driver, your child, or his or her classmates.
Come up with ideas together to make riding the bus a less scary prospect.
- If your child was in school last year, talk to them about any
social situations that caused them stress. Reviewing strategies on how to
handle bullies or other negative social situations can relieve the tension
your child may have prior to school beginning. Remind them of their
options when another child is bullying them. For example, they can walk
away from the situation, inform the teacher, or yell loudly, “Stop it, I
don’t like that!” (And as a parent, don’t forget to talk with your child’s
teacher about any classroom policies they might have regarding bullying.)
- If your child bullied others or acted out in the classroom, set up
some guidelines for what you expect of him or her socially this year,
along with consequences of what will happen if he does not comply. Equally
important, that this is a new year and express your confidence that he or
she will behave better now that they’re a year older.
If Your Child’s Anxiety Persists
It’s not uncommon to do all the right
things and still have a young child who will have a bad case of the nerves—or
even more extreme anxiety—before they begin the school year. Many kids will
report physical symptoms such as a stomach or head ache. Others will
regress to earlier behaviors, including thumb sucking or wetting the bed, while
other kids may act out aggressively, fighting a lot with siblings, or
talking back to their parents. Keep in mind that the age of your child offers
no reassurance that they will experience less anxiety. Whether you have a
tender-hearted preschooler beginning school for the first time, or an outgoing
child entering first grade, each may experience nervousness and stress at the
beginning of school. Here are some ways you can talk to your child to help
reduce their fears:
- Know that a child starting pre-school for the first time may
experience more anxiety than an older child. In simple terms, tell them
that everyone will be new—and is feeling the same way they are! Promise
your little one a special surprise after their first day. This can include
a small toy, a new book, or special time with a parent. To normalize your
child’s feelings, remind them that everyone, including other students and
even their teacher, feels a little nervous on their first day—or even
throughout their first week—of school. If you can, talk about your own
experiences of being scared about school and what your fears were when you
were young.
- Allow your kids to talk about their fears and give them reassurance
that this is normal. With some kids, you may have to probe a little:
Are they afraid they won’t get a nice teacher? Are they nervous
about not having any friends? Does the school work scare them?
Whatever it is, continue to emphasize that all children have these fears
and they are not alone.
- Try coaching your child in problem solving. For instance, if
they’re afraid to ask the teacher questions, do role plays together on how
to speak up in class. For shy children, you can also practice the art of
social skills together: role play introducing yourself to peers, sharing,
and using words (instead of hitting, grabbing or pinching) when you
interact with others. If your child is scared of school work, talk
about ways you will help them when they get home. Let them know how they
can work on areas that they struggle with (like reading out loud or
spelling) and ask, “What would be helpful for you when it comes to spelling?”
- If the first couple of months of school pass and your child
still exhibits signs of difficulty adjusting, begin by talking with his or
her teacher to see if there are things you can do together to ease their
anxiety. If it still persists, talk to your pediatrician about what your
options are.
I also advise parents to make the first
week of school a special event for your family. If both parents work outside
the home, consider adjusting your work schedule for that first week (if at all
possible) to make your child’s transition smoother. Research shows that the
first week of school is really tough for kids, no matter the age. Younger kids
going through a lot of new and challenging experiences need to feel secure at
the beginning of the school year to help them adjust appropriately for the rest
of the year. It would be a good idea for a parent or trusted caregiver to
be home after school during the first week to talk with your child, but this
may not always be possible. If not, set aside a time in the evenings to discuss
how your child’s day went and to listen to any concerns. Other ways to
celebrate the first week include having family meals together, making your
kids’ favorite foods for dinner, packing special notes in their lunch, or going
out together as a family for ice cream after dinner.
Going to school offers a wide range of
emotions for parents as well as children. Whether it’s dread or excitement,
fear or euphoria, all of these feelings can be bottled up inside our kids.
Remember that any one symptom of distress does not cement a child’s fate or
mean that their school year will be a failure. All kids, at some point in their
academic career, will struggle, so try hard not to view their setbacks or
anxiety as a permanent threat to their school career. Every year that
your child goes through school will be filled with highs and lows, good moments
and devastating ones. However, through encouragement, support and keeping
your finger on the pulse of you child’s emotions, you are laying the groundwork
for their future success in school.
